Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
