He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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