mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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