Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
