Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
