my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
