She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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