Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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