best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
