as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
