see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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