are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
this beer tastes like vomit already
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
