oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
