There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
