Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I smell stomach acid.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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