I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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