Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
