Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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