ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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