I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
