Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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