when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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