I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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