so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
