I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
