dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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