he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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