If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He better not be in your backpack
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
