I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
