I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
