just tell him i said nine months
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
