I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
