I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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