I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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