dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
