It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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