Can i not drive my cunt home
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
