is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
