I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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