Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm at about main and main street
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
