o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
sarcasm needs its own font
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
All the doctor said was why
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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