I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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