Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
