Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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