he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
