When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
