she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
