just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
