The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
