So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
